20 ways to confuse Santa:   1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.   2.While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.   3.Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.   4.While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.   5.Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!   6.Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."   7.Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.   8.Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.   9.While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.   10.Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("   11.Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."   12.Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.   13.While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.   14.Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.   15.Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.   16.Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.   17.Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.   18.Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.   19.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.   20.Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."   REDNECK CHRISTMAS DEPT.   The Redneck Night Before Christmas   It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park   Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.   Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,   In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.   The kids was alseep in their NASCAR pj's,   Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's.   And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap   Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap.   Then out in the vacent lot I heard suchsuch a commotion   I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.   I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,   Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue.   The moon was shinin' down on my okld wrecked cars   So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.   And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes   When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky!   Faster'n Ole Ironhead is possums they came   And he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name:   Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!   On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!   To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!   Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out the lead!   You know how, on our road, when a car goes by,   There's all this dirt flies up into the sky?   Thats how this crew went staight on up to my roof   With that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.   Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin   The scrabbling around of them Flying possums of his'n.   I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts...   Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!   He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet   And I had to give him credit h-he still had most his teeth.   Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back- There was   flyswatters an' Tupperware an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.   His eye took in our humble home:   The furniture we bought on layaway in town...   Earline's pride, that Elvis on velvet...   My collections of barbed wire... and license plates made by relatives.   I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening tear   When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin'in her chair.   He kindly favored Harnk, Jr., with a big round belly   That shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.   Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole Large screem TV,   And I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause he looked just like me!   When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he's treat us right-   Why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight!   I sood there dreamin' of whitetail while I watched him work,   Then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.   He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,   Then squoze up that dryer vent like spam in your pocket.   He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn-I'm not lying'!   And they took off like white lightnin' with their possum tails flyin'.   But I heard him holler as headed for the 7-11....   "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND MAY ALL REDNECKS GO TO HEAVEN!"   (Thanks to the Yukmeister)   HOLIDAYS AND POLITICAL AFFILIATION DEPT........   And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays......   Republican say "Merry Christmas!"   Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"   Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.   Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.   Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.   Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.   Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.   When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for egg nog or mulled wine.   Democrats ask for a "BUD".   When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.   Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.   Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.   So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.   Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement.   Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of their hair.   Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.   Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.   Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.   Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the scenery.   Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street".   Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life".   Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".   Republicans always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they buy before wrapping.   Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts.... and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.   Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the festive season.   Democrats do too, all year 'round.   Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.   Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.   Democrats' favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".   Young Democrats' favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer".   Republicans' favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".   Young Republicans' favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".   Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.   Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.   Democratic men like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.   On this, Republicans are in full agreement.   Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians".   Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.   Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.   Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.   (Thanks to the Yukmeister)   BARBIE'S HOLIDAY LETTER TO SANTA:   Dear Santa,   Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:   1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your rear?   2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!   3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.   4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.   5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.   6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.   7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!   8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.   9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.   10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.   Yours truly,   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------   THE MARV ALBERT CHRISTMAS SONG   (sung to the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland"--go ahead, SING):   Lacy things, the wife is missin',   Didn't ask her permission,   I'm wearin' her clothes,   Her silk panty hose,   Walkin' round in women's underwear.   In the store, there's a teddy,   Little straps, like spaghetti,   It holds me so tight,   Like handcuffs at night,   Walkin' round in women's underwear.   In the office there's a guy named Marvin,   He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,   He'll say "Are you Ready", I'll say "Whoa, Man!"   Let's wait until our wives are out of town.   Later on, if you wanna,   We can dress like Madonna,   Put on some eyeshade,   And join the parade,   Walkin' round in women's underwear.   (Special thanks to Bob Rivers for the above)   Five least popular holiday gifts:  (Mark Wheeler)   1)I Can't Believe It's Not Buter, The Board Game   2)Jimmy Dean's Pork Log O' Fun   3)The Chia Coat   4)"Miracle Grow, Your Lawn and You" a 14 hour video perspective   5)Pepper Spray Flavored Silly String   Five popular names of Christmas tree lots:   1) Tree's a Crowd   2) Chuck's Tree-o-Rama   3) My Tree Amour'   4) Chainsaw Bob's Tree Hut   5) Gee Your Tree Smells Terrific   Half of all shoppers say they start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanskgiving. But a third....mostly men....wait until the last couple of days. The rest start the year before with the sales the day AFTER Christmas. Some retailers do half their whole year's business at Christmastime. *Well at least I can feel good about getting my Christmas decorations up early....I just never never take them down.   In a recent survey, adults were asked at what age they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Instead researcher's found out 9 percent of adults said they still believe in him....(The other 91 percent of adults said, of course a Santa does not exit, and they know this because the tooth fairy told them so.) Stella Stevens (Mountain FM, Whistler BC)   Vice-president Al Gores' Christmas traditions:   1) Make sure and leave large assortment of cookies, fried foods and milk   by the tree for President Clinton on Christmas eve   2) Have Ted Kennedy over and watch him get sauced on egg nog   3) Go completely nuts and open one present Christmas eve   4) Have Tipper play a selection of heart warming Christmas drum solos   5) Grab the mistletoe and go huntin' for babes   *It figures. just about the time I get enough energy to take down last years outdoor Christmas lights, I can just leave um' up for this year.   Five dark secrets of Santa Claus:   1) Purchased his black leather boots from "Frederick's of Hollywood"   2) Some of his elves are undocumented aliens   3) His rosey cheeks caused by all night egg nog binge   4) Frequently exchanges gunfire with New Yorkers when landing on their rooftop   5) Likes to taunt raindeer by constantly telling Mrs. Claus, "You know honey, tonight I'd like some venison burgers"   *On Christmas eve president Clinton settled into a wicker rocking chair before a roaring fire in the State Dinning Room and read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to children assembled from local public schools in the District of Columbia. (The President says he enjoys reading fairy tales and fables. It reminds him of his own childhood, and of course gives him a chance to re-cap his Presidential campain speeches.)   *Highlights of our office Christmas party:   1) Boss badgered the the bartender for hours demanding, more rock less talk!   2) We got our annual Christmas bonus: A big scoop of ricotta cheese   3) We had to call a cab for our Christmas Santa   4) Our boss gave us an early Christmas present, "office supplies"   5) The big raffle to guess the alcohol content of the egg nog   *Five of my New Year's resolution for here at work:   1) Ask boss if I can stop wearing a name tag   2) Clear out beer cans from behind desk   3) Resist the urge to call my boss "Wilbur"   4) Find out when in the hell we actually get paid for this nonsense   5) Install really cool new video games on office computer   *White House officials estimate that during the 3 weeks from early December through Christmas the President and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton shook hands with 100,000 White House visitors. (Hillary says it's just her civic responsibillty as First Lady, Bill says it's a great way to meet new chicks.)   *It's time for our year in review quiz. Here's today's quiz. To be a top rapper in 1997 you needed:   a) The ability to rhyme   b) An attitude   c) A police record   *Christmas is upon us! Rockerfeller Center in New York City will be jammed this Christmas season with the Annual Tree Lighting. (One can't help but get a warm feeling when watching the ceremonies, the singing, the tree lighting, the first group of kids that grab tree ornaments and flee the scene.)   New Years   Top Five New Year's Resolutions for White House Staff (S.Solace)   1) Avoid First Lady's...New business investment ideas   2) Return Documents taken, by President's order, before they're noticed missing   3) Smile widely and state "NO COMMENT/ NO KNOWLEDGE" to Press Questionings   4) Avoid AK, Flowers, and Camps   5) Resign before Pres. Impeachment. (if you ever want to work in this country again.)   *New Year's eve is of course a big night to party and drink, unfortunately the next day can be a lttile tough for people who partied a little too hard. (I however woke up New Year's Day feeling OK. I got up, walked into the bathroom to wipe something off my face, turned out it was the floor.)   *It is estimated that 300,000 people will jam into New York's Times Square to watch the ball drop on New Year's Eve. And 85,000 of those people will eventually turn to someone and say; "What the hell did I just step in?"   *I must be getting old I'm still writing the wrong date on all my checks....1972!   Thanksgiving   *Five Thanksgiving pastimes at Dr. Jack Kevorkian's house:   1) Plenty of "Wacky Jack's killer cranberry sauce   2) Gather everyone around for a game of spin the carbon monoxide bottle   3) Everyone always has too much mashed sleeping pills   4) At one point during dinner someone is bound to say, "This stuffing is to die for"   5)Lot's of sharp objects   *Here's five traditions at an Arkansas family Thanksgiving feast:   1) Lavish Thanksgiving decor for the trailer   2) Filling in made-up names in the blank spaces on the family tree   3) Stare endlessly at beer cap collection   4) Gunfire, just for the fun of it   5) Gather 'round the television and watch Burt Reynolds movies till you pass out   *These are the holidays. When bad things happen to good turkeys. -- Tom Adams   * "We learned in school that the Pilgrims were a serious people who wore their belt buckles on their hats." (Adams)   * "Historical documents proved that not all the Pilgrims and Native Americans sat down together for that first Thanksgiving dinner. A couple had to eat at a card table." (Alan Ray)   * "Historians say that one Native American woman left offended from that first Thanksgiving dinner. No one touched her maize casserole." (Alan Ray)   * "Just think: If the Pilgrims had come to America this year, they'd be sitting down with the Native Americans for Thanksgiving keno." (Russ Myers)   * "The No. 1 source of indigestion at Thanksgiving dinner again this year will be your relatives." (Alan Ray)   *"My wife burned the turkey so bad last year that to identify it, we had to get its dental records." (Gags Gang)   *"President Clinton will show off the White House turkey this afternoon. He's real proud of his foreign policy." (Alan Ray)   *Alan Ray, on Thanksgiving leftovers: "Some things should be thrown out if they've sat around too long. Pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, relatives."