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Quotes are in alphabetical order
*A drink a day keeps the shrink away. (Edward Abbey)
*"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." (Douglas Adams)
*"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." (Douglas Adams)
*"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)
*Half of the people in the world are below average. (Anonymous)
*Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. (Anonymous)
*On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)
*Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. (Anonymous)
*"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." (Anonymous)
*Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore .... (Anonymous)
*Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. (Anonymous)
*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Anonymous)
*Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. (Anonymous)
*Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. (Anonymous)
*Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. (Anonymous)
*Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. (Anonymous)
*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)
*If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. (Anonymous)
(B)
*Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. (Jim Backus)
*Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}. (Charles Barkley)
*Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)
*Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry)
*All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. (Dave Barry)
*When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry)
*If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Dave Barry)
*"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!" (Yogi Berra)
*Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. (Ambrose Bierce)
*I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)
*The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)
*"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." (Ray Bradbury)
*"The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." (William J. Broad)
*Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. (James Brown)
*I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -A. (Whitney Brown)
(C)
*(Calvin): People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. (Hobbes): Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
*People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. (Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI)
*There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -(Dick Cavett), {mocking the TV-violence debate}
*"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." (Rich Cook)
*"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." (Edward Chilton)
*Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply
*The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. (William Clayton)
*I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. (Noel Coward, 1956)
(D)
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. (Rodney Dangerfield)
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. (Rodney Dangerfield)
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield)
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. (Rodney Dangerfield)
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide. (Rodney Dangerfield)
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too! (Rodney Dangerfield)
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! (Rodney Dangerfield)
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. (Rodney Dangerfield)
*If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. (David Daye)
*Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ( Phyllis Diller )
*And that's the world in a nutshell -- an appropriate receptacle. ( Stan Dunn )
(E)
*"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." (Albert Einstein)
*"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. "Women marry men with the hope they will change. "Invaribly they are both disappointed." (Albert Einstein)
(F)
*I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. (W.C. Fields)
*A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
*What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? (W.C. Fields)
(G)
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. (David Geary)
*When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'', by (Matt Groening)
*When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)
(H)
*Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. (Lisa Hoffman)
*"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." (John Andrew Holmes)
*"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." (Fred Hoyle)
*"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." (Max Frisch)
(I)
(J)
*A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. (William James)
*Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. (Jarger)
*After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi)
(K)
*"Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog)
*Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. ( Henry Kissinger)
(L)
*She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. (Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee)
*Never go to bed mad. Stay awake all night and plot horrible REVENGE!!!! (Vince Lewonski)
(M)
*Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe (Jackie Mason)
*Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. (Montaigne)
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